
22 Oct Connecting When Your Teen Shuts You Out
There are times when, despite our best efforts, teenagers shut us out. We’ll ask what’s going on, and they either shun us or give one-word answers. No matter why they’ve stopped talking to you, it’s important to do whatever you can to maintain this relationship. Here are 7 things to do when your teenager shuts you out.
1. Keep your cool.
When a teenager gives you attitude, it can be tempting to fly off the handle and yell at them. You might want to meet their frustration and intensity with your own. In these moments, it’s critical that you keep your cool. Don’t do or say something that hurts them or adds to the barrier between the two of you. If your teenager is shutting you out, take a deep breath and make sure you deal with whatever is going on clearly and objectively.
2. Make sure they know that you’re (still) listening.
Whatever the cause of the conflict between you and your teenager might be, keep asking questions. Ask how their doing and what’s going on in their life. You might get one-word or no-word answers, but your willingness to stick with them when their barely communicative will reinforce to them that you care and are there for them. If you’re not sure they understand this, tell them clearly that you’ll be ready whenever they want to talk.
3. Eat meals together.
Don’t let a conflict with your teenager get in the way of a family tradition. Let your teenagers know that you expect them to be at the table with the rest of the family. Even if you have to deal with the silent treatment or a bad attitude, insist that they’re there with you. While a family meal is also a moment of normalcy in the middle of this drama, food can also serve as a de-escalator and offer a chance to re-establish connection with your kids.
4. Be the first to apologize.
If, in your frustration, you’ve said or done something that’s hurt your teenager, be ready to apologize to them. Swallowing your pride and saying sorry—even if they lashed out at you first—will offer them an opportunity to open up to you and let you know what’s going on. While you may not be the one who started the conflict, you can be the one to put an end to it.
5. Invite them to do something with you.
Sometimes the best strategy in this situation is to make a change. Invite your teenager to do something they love with you. It might be going to the driveway to shoot some hoops, sitting down to play a video game, or going for a Slurpee. Getting them out of the house with you to do something totally different (that doesn’t require talking) might offer them the chance to reset their emotions and, as a result, to open up to you again.
6. Call in back-up.
If your teenager is shutting you out and nothing else is working, it might be time to bring in someone else to help. Reach out to your spouse, a grandparent, or other beloved relative, teacher, coach, pastor… Let this person know you’re worried about your teenager and you don’t know how to help them. If they won’t talk to you, it may be that they’re willing to talk to someone else.
7. Wait it out.
If nothing else works, you may just need to be patient and wait things out. Maybe your teenager still isn’t talking to you even though you’ve apologized where needed, offered them chances to reconnect, and called in reinforcements. This may be the hardest strategy of all because you feel helpless with whatever your teenager is going through. Love on your kid and keep trying all of the above (and more). It may be that the thing your teenager remembers most from this time is your unwillingness to give up on them.
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